[外電] THE LOOP AT MIDWEEK A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ... KEVIN McHAL
http://www.twincities.com/timberwolves/ci_5963116
8:23 a.m.: Feeling groggy. Discovers he's in the back of an ambulance with
potentially mortal wounds. Screams like a banshee when driver turns his face
to him: It's Eddie Griffin.
8:24 a.m.: Awakes in cold sweat.
8:26 a.m.: Dream diary entry: "Had the nightmare again!"
9:00 a.m.: Finally rolls out of bed; decides today is going to be a
"maintenance day."
9:15 a.m.: Breakfast meeting with Wolves director of scouting, Count Chocula.
9:45 p.m.: Picks up his complimentary copy of Forbes magazine's top general
managers issue. Spends good 10 minutes looking for centerfold.
9:55 a.m.: First executive decision of the day: "There's still plenty of
fishing left!"
10:15 a.m.: After frustrating search, finally finds tackle box underneath a
crumpled pile of unused first-round draft picks.
10:18 a.m.: Delighted, calls chauffeurs, Fred Hoiberg and Jim Stack, for a
ride.
10:33 a.m.: Checks his e-mail. Finds angry note from fan urging him to "Fish
or cut bait."
10:36 a.m.: Sends polite reply, thanking fan for suggestion but pointing out
it's actually Hoiberg's job to cut the bait.
10:39 a.m.: Hoiberg and Stack arrive, get berated for not wearing their
special "McHale's Navy" T-shirts.
10:40 a.m.: Caravan heads out to undisclosed area lake.
10:41 a.m.: Reveals the day's mystery lake, which has been kept secret to avoid the
risk of shoreline hecklers.
10:43 a.m.: Turns on sports talk radio when he runs out of things to talk
about with Hoiberg and Stack.
10:45 a.m.: Hears the word "idiot" on the airwaves. Assuming they're
discussing him or Brad Childress, decides to switch stations.
11:15 a.m.: After half-hour of fruitless scanning, settles on Jack FM upon
hearing opening strains of "The Safety Dance."
11:30 a.m.: Glen Taylor tracks him down on the cell, wanting to talk about
the upcoming draft and free-agent prospects over golf.
11:31 a.m.: Turns down owner's offer because golf requires too much exertion.
11:35 a.m.: After arriving at dock, McHale caravan sets sail in search of
dinner.
Noon: Realizing what time it is, caravan turns back to shore in search of
lunch.
12:15 p.m.: Enjoys bountiful lunch feast of deer jerky and Hamm's while
refusing to take trade calls from Knicks, Bulls, Celtics, Lakers and the
Lithuanian national team.
12:50 p.m.: Accepting friendly wager from bartender, tries to smoke him under
the table.
1:11 p.m.: Commences afternoon of fishing.
1:12 p.m.: Hoiberg has inspiration: Tries to get McHale to think of the draft
as fishing, and players as fish. It goes nowhere.
2:11 p.m.: After Hoiberg catches what appears to be a world record-sized
muskie. McHale orders him to trade it for Joe Smith.
2:54 p.m.: Takes cell phone call about a job reference. Tells caller that
Bill Blair would be a fine addition to the Foot Locker family.
3:42 p.m.: Catches several northern pike, realizes each bears a passing
resemblance to Marko Jaric.
3:43 p.m.: Orders Hoiberg to clean all his pike with prejudice.
3:58 p.m.: Heads to shore to enjoy some TV time at a dockside tavern.
4:00 p.m.: His two favorite words: "Hamm's" and "Oprah."
5:02 p.m.: Storms away from TV after start of Channel 4 news when Frank and
Amelia call for McHale's deportation.
5:04 p.m.: Heads outside to watch his cronies fry up dinner. Enjoys watching
Stack turn beet red whenever he calls him "Rachael Ray."
5:30 p.m.: Before supper, leads grace, giving thanks for his past few years
of undeserved income.
5:31 p.m.: Concludes grace with prayer for the hungry children of Sprewell.
5:50 p.m.: Takes call from Charley Walters; tells him off the record he's
looking hard at 6-11 off-guard from Belarus.
5:55 p.m.: At dinner's end, Hoiberg offers toast to "Fortune magazine's No. 1
GM" Much laughter follows.
5:57 p.m.: Orders Hoiberg and Stack to stop laughing.
6:30 p.m.: Trio begins homeward drive, during which McHale refuses to take
trade calls from Cavaliers, Clippers and the Harlem Globetrotters.
6:35 p.m.: Note to self: Buy Street Smith's Draft Guide.
6:52 p.m.: Forces his assistants to join in a sing-along of "Come On Eileen."
7:32 p.m.: Arrives home. Sits down in front of the 72-inch plasma for an
evening of NBA playoff basketball.
7:51 p.m.: Remembers to write monthly check to Christian Children's Fund,
through which he cares for an undernourished child named Ndudi Ebi.
8:31 p.m.: While watching Detroit beat Cleveland, wracks his brain trying to
remember name of the idiot who gave up on Chauncey Billups.
8:40 p.m.: Closes eyes and reminisces about his last trip to NBA Finals, as
well as other events during the Reagan administration.
9:00 p.m.: Drifts off to begin his daily 12 hours of shuteye.
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